Content warning, mentions of: death, suicide, hate crimes, police brutality
I once had a therapist not believe that I was autistic, because “empathy isn’t something you seem to struggle with.” They envisioned it as “you don’t struggle to feel empathy.” And in that sense, it is true. I have no trouble feeling empathy.
But I do struggle with empathy because I feel too much of it. I have always felt my emotions very strongly and am deeply sensitive to the emotional state of those around me. It takes a lot of work for me to try to disconnect from that, and I often cannot.
So this morning, I am struggling to keep myself calm as a sense of immense grief threatens to overwhelm me.
I’m thinking of Nex Benedict, 16 years old, taken from us on February 8th, 2024. While the recorded cause of death is important, what’s more important is that they died because hatred poisoned the hearts of those around them. Because they, like thousands upon thousands of our siblings, had to live in fear every day.
And I’m thinking of Ryan Gainer, whose life was cruelly ended only a few days ago on March 9, 2024. He was 15 years old and lost his life because a police officer’s first response to a Black autistic teenager was to draw a gun.
Both of these children died because of the hatred of others. These are just two names in an ever-growing list of souls taken from us by the poison that misinformation, bigotry, and structural discrimination create.
As I sit here, my students watching the Super Mario Bros movie, I feel a sense of confusion that I am very familiar with. I truly do not understand how someone could receive this news and go about their day. I feel like I am barely here. I want to go home and cry, sob for siblings lost.
I never knew Nex or Ryan. I had never heard their names before learning of their deaths. But my heart grieves for them, and this pain is nigh unbearable. I cannot even imagine what their family, their friends are feeling right now. And I have to live with that same fear— could one of my friends be next? Could I?
There is no amount of police reform that will make cops ethical. Our current system was built on a foundation of racism, misogyny, queerphobia, and ableism. If ethical police even can exist, they will only be achieved through a complete dismantling and redesign of the systems that create them.
Similarly, GSAs and Pride Month are not enough to save our queer/trans siblings. We need an overhaul of our education systems, our rights protecting youth, and our support systems for youth and educators everywhere.
My pain has started to lessen, to settle into my bones rather than burning through my blood. But I don’t believe we are designed for the level of hyperconnectivity our technology has given us. We’ve changed too fast. Atrocities happen every day, everywhere in the world. Only now, we have the ability to know about most of them almost immediately. It can be beautiful, sure. But how can we be expected to carry that weight?
So no, I don’t struggle to feel empathy. Not even a little bit. Empathy burns inside me so hot that it boils out of my mouth and fingertips before I can stop it. My struggle is keeping it from burning me away, leaving nothing but a smoldering pile of lost hopes and lost loves.
Ashton Rose 